


Tired

by polaropposites



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-19
Updated: 2012-12-19
Packaged: 2017-11-21 13:34:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/598329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polaropposites/pseuds/polaropposites
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry gets a little scared that Louis won't love him if he doesn't keep it together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tired

Harry is exhausted. The kind that he feels in his bones and makes him ache every time he moves. They’ve had a long week, they’ve had a long month, they’ve had a long career. He’s not complaining, no, never. He isn’t complaining because he has no right to. The people who gave him all of this, his dream, Louis, they deserve his energy.It’s just that Louis has been gone often and Harry finds himself staring at the ceiling instead of sleeping and it’s fucking horrid because Louis being gone is bad enough, but there’s something about night time and exhaustion that emphasizes the loneliness that fills Harry’s chest with a weight very similar to dread. 

Harry is an adult, kind of. He’s 18, rich, able-bodied, mentally sane, but he can’t seem to make it through a night without his boyfriend next to him and the anxiety kills him. He knows it’s silly. He knows it’s horrible and stupid and not even close to being romantic is some pitiful way. The dependency he has on Louis is what gets him the strange looks from their friends and families. It’s because it’s weird. It’s because people don’t understand.  
Harry doesn’t understand. 

He tries and tries and tries to figure out why it feels like the world is ending when Louis spends the night somewhere else. He tries to understand why he feels like Louis cheats on him every time he has to go out with Eleanor. He tries to chide himself for not being over the fact that Louis has to fake it with someone else in order for them to be real, but he can’t. He struggles to wrap his head around it and it’s even more aggravating because he’s Harry fucking Styles international pop star; yet he can’t even spend the night alone without Louis tucked into bed with him without having a panic attack.

He never tells Louis that this is what it’s like when he’s gone. He never mentions how he lays in bed and wills himself to sleep until he feels the hot tears slipping down his cheeks and into his ears. He doesn’t want to worry him. He doesn’t want to feel weak.  
Louis is everything strong and stoic. Louis is a fortress of power and emotional strength. It’s why they chose Louis to have the fake relationship because he can lie with his eyes where Harry can’t even lie with his words. Louis would think he was weak and weak people get cut out, weak people lose. Harry knows it’s survival of the fittest and if he’s going to make it to the end of Louis’ life with him, he has to be strong and formidable — like the older boy he’s so in love with. 

He turns on his back and starts the night alone in their flat the same way he always does, in his head fishing out all the possibilities of things that can go wrong. Tears start to sting his eyes as images, of Louis marrying Eleanor and Louis leaving, fill his brain. He wishes there was switch to turn all the negative thoughts off, so he could just sit in bed and think about all the kisses he’s shared with Louis and how perfect it is.He gets so caught up in his thoughts of being abandoned that the tears start to come in waves and his sobs cover the sound of the door being shut and locked. Harry turns to cry into the pillows, body shaking with the force of his pain, so he misses when the door to their bedroom opens wide. Louis is by Harry’s side in seconds. For a moment, Harry is about to go grab a bottle of alcohol because he thinks he’s imagining his boyfriend in the room, but as Louis cards his fingers through Harry’s curls, the younger lad realizes that his boyfriend is actually back in their flat.

“What are you doing here, Lou?”

Louis bites his tongue because he was going to say a joke about being questioned about showing up at his own flat, but doesn’t. “Missed you. Always miss you.”

“Aren’t you going to get in trouble? Weren’t you supposed to be seen at the hotel tonight?”

“Maybe and yes, but fucking hell, isn’t it the dumbest idea you’ve ever heard? We both live in London and yet we go to a hotel to sleep? Who does that? I don’t care. I need to sleep with you in order to sleep properly.”

Harry swallows, still not having looked up from the pillow, all of his words muffled by down feathers and silk. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were coming home.”

“Why are you apologizing?”

“Why would you want to come home to this? I’m annoying,” Harry whines. 

“You’re not annoying Harry and I want to come home to anything that includes you by yourself in our bed. I don’t care if tears are included. I do want to know what’s wrong though.”

“I’m annoying and it’s nothing, I’m fine.”

“Harry, you were shaking our bed with the force of your tears. Something is bothering you and I want you to tell me about it,” Louis demands more than he requests.

Harry turns over in the bed and redirects his gaze to the ceiling. He is really embarrassed because how do you tell someone that you love them so much it hurts when they’re gone without sounding like a complete and total wanker?“I’ve just missed you and I never sleep well when you’re gone and I can’t stop thinking about you leaving me,” Harry confesses, voice breaking. “I don’t think I can lose you Lou. It hurts when you’re not here for the night and I know that sounds like complete bollocks, but it’s the truth.”

“Harry, why do you think I’m here? I missed you too, that’s why I came home.”

Louis crawls under the sheets and peels his clothes off as an after thought, knowing Harry is already naked.

“I’m sure you wouldn’t cry, you’re strong.”

“Harry, sunshine, there’s nothing wrong with crying. Where is all of this coming from?”

“I’ve always been afraid that if I wasn’t strong enough I wouldn’t get to keep you.”

“Harry, I’m not a prize. This is not a game. There is no competition I’m yours. I always have been. I always will be.”

“But you’re so strong all the time. You’er so brave and you do so much for us and I can barely say that we’re just mates interviews without sparking rumours about our relationship because I’m so shit at lying properly.”

“Hazza, there’s nothing wrong with being honest or not being able to lie. You know what i envy about you? Your ability to feel. Better yet, your ability to show people how you feel about them. There’s never a day that goes by where you don’t show me that you love me, Harry. It’s in your eyes and the way you cook me breakfast It’s in the way you kiss my lips and hold the door open. If I were to leave you for someone else, I would be stupid.”

“No, you would be normal for not wanting to put up with the drama.”

“Harry, it’s okay to feel. I know that probably sounds grand coming from me, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling. I wish I could feel like you. I wish I could let it consume me. You’re the closest thing to emotionally overwhelmed as I’ve ever gotten and the feeling is amazing. There’s nothing wrong with you. I need you too, Harry. I need you too.”

“I know, it’s just. You love so differently and you do so much that I know I shouldn’t complain. Sometimes I just forget that just because you love me differently, doesn’t mean that you don’t love me at all or the same.”

“You mean everything to me, Haz,” Louis whispers, scooting up on the bed so he can pull Harry’s face into his neck. He tenses as he feels Harry’s wet cheeks because when his lover hurts he hurts and there’s nothing worse than seeing Harry in pain. “I have never loved anything the way I love you and I love you so much it’s hard to breathe when I’m around you. Sometimes I don’t believe you’re real and I love you so much. I love you so much and I never want to lose you and God, it feels good to know that you love me the same. It really does, so never worry about tears or missing me too much because I miss you the same. I’m always just worried that you’ll get tired of waiting for things to be normal and leave.”

Harry buries his head into Louis shoulder, new tears sliding down his cheeks because Louis gets it and he’s not ashamed of him. 

“I’ll never be too tired to love you, so I can never leave,” Harry says. He ponders a moment before he asks, “you’re not ashamed of me, Lou?”

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of Hazza,” Louis whispers affectionately, returning his fingers to Harry’s hair until he hears the soft lull of Harry’s breathing to indicate he’s asleep. He smiles and he knows it’s probably awful, but even though harry wears it’s heart on his sleeve sometimes he’s worried that Harry will get too tired and decide it’s not worth the pain anymore. 

He turns and places a gentle kiss to Harry’s forehead, running his fingers over the small patch of cheek he can reach. Louis feels his eyes start to burn because he loves this lad so much and imagining life without him is nothing short of an apocalyptic vision in his head. He refuses to believe anything like that would ever happen.

He’ll never be too tired.

He’ll never let him go.


End file.
